"I know I’ve never
Wanted anything so bad
I’ve never wanted anyone so bad

Why do I deny
the things that burn inside down deep I’m barely breathing
but you just see a smile

And I don't wanna let this go
Really, I just want to know...

If I let you love me, be the one adored
would you go all the way?
Be the one I’m looking for..."


I don't want to get hurt anymore. I find it hard to trust again but I'm trying. I want to let it go but I hold back some. But Ive never wanted anyone as much as this, and maybe it's a risk I have to take. I wonder if it's just a game to you. I wonder if my heart is treacherous....

I was getting ready for work last night when I overheard from my neighbor's tv that Francis M died. It still came as a shock, even that I knew that he was suffering from leukemia. Probably I thought that he will conquer the big C, with the kind of personality that he had.... On my way to work, I listened to his songs on the radio, stations paying tribute to the Master Rapper of the Philippines. And he was.... in the early 80's he was the pioneer of Pinoy rap music. It was evident in his lyrics how he was proud to be Pinoy, and he wanted the Pinoy to be proud of himself. At that time, the Philippines was in economic and political turmoil... but his songs lifted Juan dela Cruz' spirit... encouraging him that he can stand up and keep his head high. Though Im not a die hard fanatic nationalistic person, but I am proud of my race and my culture.... and Francis M had expressed the same sentiments with his songs and art works. I salute him as a person too...for he had been a good husband, friend, provider and partner to his wife.... and a dependable father of 8 .... and how he still remained so young looking ! (and good looking despite going through the painful stages of his disease). Only a few people can have and express passion.... and definitely Francis M had lived with such passion .... and he is one person who would always leave a lasting impression. And so the legacy of Francis M lives on, in each Filipinos' heart.... Salamat Kiko!

The theme of our Circuit Assembly was based on Romans 12:21 "Do not let yourself be conquered by the evil, but keep conquering the evil with the good." It was a two day assembly but unfortunately, I was only able to attend the Sunday session ( I'll be attending the Saturday session with an old friend from a different circuit). We were there quite early cause the stadium the Society rented was much smaller than the one that we have in Laguna or Quezon City, and we had to find good seats. It was a whole day affair so we had to make sure that we would be able to take full advantage of the program.

There were a lot of pointers and reminders in the assembly. We know that we are living the last days and that Satan is working doubly hard to discourage us. He is so cunning he uses things that are seemingly innocent and harmless and makes them instrument of badness. The speaker sited technology... which is very advantageous to us, when used improperly can lead us to sin. And he doesn't need to pull us out of the organization for him to win us over, when he uses things and circumstances that make us slow down, not giving our whole soul , mind and strength to God... in a way he had already won us over. But Ephesians 6:12-17, tells us "to put on the complete suit of armor from God so we can stand firm against the machinations of the Devil". These will help us acquire the power, protection of our symbolic hearts by hating what is bad . And though Satan uses our past mistakes to haunt us, the bible encourages us to not let our past transgressions hinder us. If we remain in God's love, reading the bible daily, keeping close to His organization, actively participating in the ministry..... there is no doubt evil will be conquered!

This is one of the farthest territories we have. We have to walk to get there and back to save on money... but finding "meek ones" make all the effort worth it.

The Watchtower study yesterday at the "pulong" ( Christian meeting in Filipino) had a very interesting topic. It talked about keeping integrity and how important it is in worshipping God. I learned that integrity was different from just being honest. As used in the bible, it involves moral completeness, wholehearted devotion to one: and that is our heavenly Father Jehovah. It is about seeking to have his approval even in our daily activities, whether we are among other people or when we are alone. Thus keeping our integrity makes our day to day conduct and choices quite important. This may be hard to do, especially when you know no person can see what we do in private, but integrity would help us see that God's eyes is upon us, and would help us to do what is right. It's about having that true love and genuine devotion to God that would help us avoid doing things that may make his heart sad. God is a true Person and He is affected with what we do, the bible says we even have the capability to make his heart rejoice ( Proverbs 27:11). So how does this issue of integrity affect me? A lot! Ive thought about the mistakes Ive done and had planned to do, which really puts me to shame because how could I possibly think that those things would be okay because I could keep it a secret , but in reality, is putting my relationship with God at stake. Little things, such as what I watch on the tube or sites I check out on the internet, or things I put on my website or friends I deal with, even things I talk about..... all affect my integrity. The study really made me reflect on these things. Imperfect as I am, I'll be holding fast to my integrity, to prove to Jehovah that I truly love him....

This year, I'll be turning 40... and lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about how my life had turned out to be so far. I've been in touch with my high school friends lately ( thanks to Facebook), and have seen how many of them are successful in their own chosen fields, professionally. And I look at myself, at this age I could have been what I had perceived myself to be when I was younger, probably working as an Interior Designer and managing my own company. And here I am.... I'm not the rich, successful career woman I had hoped to be... but I am contented. I am proud to be simple.... though I admire people who do get what they want materially and more because of hard work... but Im prouder of myself being content with the things I possess. It was my choice. It was my choice to have kids at an early age, to become a mom and a wife (though unfortunately had to end after 15 years of marriage) It was my choice to be a stay-at-home-mom, passing the opportunity to finish my degree, because I believed I was needed more by my kids especially in their formative years. And I am happy with how they had turned out to be. It is still an ongoing process though. And now I have to focus on not just being their support, but more so with bringing them into the "truth".... It is harder now... but I pray to God that He will help me... So I guess my career in life really is being my kids' mother... Every decision I made, was because of them. I am not a perfect mother though... (oh and they can attest to that!)... but it is an ongoing career that may take a lifetime. And I don't have any regrets giving up what I had for them... I only pray that God will add more years to my life, more strength , to help my children get into "that narrow road to life".....

I haven't been feeling so good these past few weeks, emotionally that is. What I do is surround myself with friends, friends who make me laugh even at the lamest jokes.... then of course...there are the friends from the congregation... the ministry that really keeps me focused on the positive things. But yesterday, nobody went out in the ministry...so i had to stay at home... and it struck me...I AM ALONE! Okaaay...its me and Gracie. My thoughts started to run through my head again... and i started to lament on the past...think of him....the promises...his voice...his smile...his eyes... crap I had to STOP! ( To anyone who has gone through this...I think you know what I mean) I don't think I'm any different from anyone who has gone through a break up... but see, mine was a roller coaster ride... wow the longest too... and i refused to get off, weird huh. But I think I've had my ride... it has to stop sooner or later right? But dating again is not an option... not this soon I suppose...I just have to go through the many stages of depression... though compared to others...I guess I'm doing quite well. Im grateful that I have friends who make me "see" things, that I normally wouldn't with a clouded judgement... I got the congregation, I got my kids , my family, and my God... who gives me the real hope that soon.... everything will be okay